Here are some questions I’m asked a lot. Some aren’t actually questions, but let’s not quibble about that.
Q: Can I interview you/book you as a guest on my radio/TV show?
A: No thanks. I’m not doing any more interviews. I don’t want to be thinking about this stuff all the time. If I do one interview or personal appearance I’d have to do them all, which would change the pattern of my life in a way I don’t need.
Q: Do you use a teleprompter or read from a script?
A: No. I know what I’m going to say. I don’t need to read it.
Q: Why don’t you answer comments to your videos?
A: I get an avalanche of emails every day and I reply to as many of those as I can. If I replied to comments as well I’d have no time for anything else.
Q: Are you on Facebook?
A: No. I get a lot of emails from people who think this is my Facebook account, but it has nothing to do with me, and I’m not responsible for any of its content.
Q: Why don’t you make videos more frequently?
A: I can’t be bothered. I’d rather not make any videos. I’d rather not be thinking about this nonsense at all.
Q: Would you appear on Question Time, if asked?
A: No. I can’t even watch Question Time. It’s a waste of questions and a waste of time.
Q: I’d like to discuss something with you. Is there any way we can chat?
A: Sorry, I don’t do chat. Send me an email.
Q: What do you think of Buddhists/Hindus/Sikhs/Jedi etc.?
A: I have no problem with any of them, as last time I checked they weren’t trying to take over the world.
Q: Why do you hate faith?
A: Why do you hate reality?
Q: You don’t know what it means to have faith.
A: I don’t know what it means to you, and I don’t want to know. That’s kind of the point.
Q: You don’t understand Christianity/Islam.
A: I don’t understand smallpox or typhoid either, and I’m equally disinclined to get acquainted with them.
Q: Why shouldn’t I be allowed to raise my kids religious if I want to?
A: The same reason you shouldn’t be allowed to beat them with a knotted rope.
Q: I’m a moderate Muslim and I’m offended by your comments about my religion.
A: Then you’re not moderate enough.
Q: By antagonising religious people, aren’t you making it less likely they’ll agree with you?
A: I don’t want them to agree with me. I want them to shut up and maybe see a doctor.
Q: How do you respond to atheists who say you’re too crude and simplistic?
A: They’re probably right, as usual.
Q: Why do you attack Christianity when Islam is a bigger threat?
A: Because our indulgence of Christianity has encouraged Islam to claim equal status and threaten our freedom.
Q: Why is multiculturalism a racist ideology?
A: Because it discriminates on the basis of ethnic origin, encouraging immigrant cultures to tread on the values of the indigenous majority, while calling any reciprocation racist or Islamophobic.
Q: Why aren’t you a YouTube partner?
A: Putting ads on my videos would be like putting an advertising hoarding on the front of my house. I hate watching videos with ads on them. Why would I want to inflict that on others? I’d rather people bought my books. I’m tempted to claim that anyone who buys a book is making a contribution to keeping the videos ad free, but even if nobody bought one I’d convert to Islam before I’d let ads anywhere near my videos.
Q: Are you academically qualified?
A: No. I left school at sixteen. My first job was washing dishes in the revolving restaurant on top of the Post Office tower in London for five shillings an hour.
Q: Do you support the BNP?
A: No. I don’t support any form of racism.
Q: Why did you make a video in support of the EDL?
A: I didn’t. I simply asked that they be represented more honestly in the media, and I pointed out that the real bigots are those who call themselves anti-fascists.
Q: How do you vote in elections?
A: In the past I’ve always voted for the fattest candidate on the basis that they’ll take up more room in Parliament, thereby giving me more democracy for my valuable franchise, but now that Britain is being turned into a vassal state of a federal Europe I’ll be voting Ukip
Q: I live in the American Bible Belt, and I’m afraid of social repercussions if I tell people I’m an atheist.
A: Well, I guess you’ll have to spend the rest of your life living a lie. Good luck with that.
Q: No, seriously. People would treat me like some kind of leper.
A: Take it as a compliment.
Q: My friends would disown me. My family business would suffer.
A: OK, you win.
Q: I’d lose my job.
A: All right, we get it.
Q: Prove God doesn’t exist.
A: That’s a tough one. Show me how it’s done by proving Zeus and Apollo don’t exist, and I’ll use your method.